It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
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Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.