Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.