Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
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Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
April 1st is the class clown of days.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.