16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
You Might Also Like
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!