If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy