I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
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If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.