Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
your honor my client chooses dare
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter