Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
The French word for sex is croissant.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell