Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX