I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
You Might Also Like
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.