My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
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Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.