Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
You Might Also Like
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Bed should get ready for ME
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Something Saturday.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.