My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.