Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Monday Lisa