Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
You Might Also Like
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
This tweet has been deleted
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
A short story about romance.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…