Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
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Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Wait a minute…
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
No chill.