“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
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Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My dad.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Noted.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!