[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
You Might Also Like
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.