I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
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People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
How to make infinite energy.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
they split up moments later
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.