If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
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Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Tremendous stuff
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.