My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
never deleting this app.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed