I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it