My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo