INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
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Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.