I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit