Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
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Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me