Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
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Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Hard not to take this personally
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*