Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
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This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Support your local cemetery
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I’m having an out of money experience.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.