karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
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When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”