Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
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If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.