Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
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Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.