Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
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I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Werent we promised soylent green by now?