*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no