The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Lmao the reply
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Attacked by a mop.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out