Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
presenting your incognito window wrapped
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
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My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans