Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
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[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?