At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
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You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot