[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Worth remembering.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.