Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
You Might Also Like
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I cannot call her anything else now
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.