Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
You Might Also Like
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
so weird how every mom was born today
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?