My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
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Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I have no passwords left in me
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough