Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
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Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.