During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
You Might Also Like
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no