Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
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You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.