i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.