When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Not helping
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.