Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
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ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.