People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
You’re the water to my grease fire.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible