My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
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According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”