[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
#Caturday
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering